My neighbor, Annette, has joined forces with the neighborhood birds to make my life miserable.
Annette recently concocted a devious plan. She would lure area birds to her yard using bird seed. Then she would turn them against me and train them to cause mischief. I have seen evidence of the first part of the plan; I’ve spotted her putting out dishes of seed all over her yard. I have not directly witnessed her training this avian army, but I suppose she’s sly enough to do this covertly so as not to alert me to her designs. But I know what she’s up to.
The birds’ first mission, called “Operation Bothered Beagles,” was as simple as it was sinister. These feathered soldiers would perch on the fence in the large numbers, mocking my dogs with their presence. This would, of course, entice my dogs to howl and bark in their futile efforts to catch the winged warriors. The racket created by the hounds is enough to make a person crazy. Operation Bothered Beagles is played out with machine-like precision roughly every thirty minutes.
I’ve dubbed Annette’s latest dastardly mission “Operation Enduring Feces.” After filling their intestines with vast quantities of seed, the forces are dispatched in sorties for bombing runs on strategic targets. These targets include my car and the deck in the back yard. Three days ago, when I got in my car to go to work, I spotted four “direct hits” on my windshield. The next day, four more were there. Emboldened by their successes, the birds more than doubled their output, boasting 10-12 direct hits on the windshield this morning. I was shocked and awed.
I’m not sure what Annette and her little air force have in store for me next. My feeble army consists of myself, my wife, and our two beagles. But hope remains, for I see untapped potential in the squirrels and rabbits that inhabit my yard. If I can enlist their support — and convince the dogs to put aside their petty quarrels with the varmints — I may yet find a way to counter this crafty old broad and her hired mercenaries.