Archive for July, 2007

Hey FedEx Driver, Knock it Off

FedEx is on my shit list.  Specifically, the driver that delivers packages to my home.  Every single time that the FedEx person delivers something to my house, they litter on my property. 

You know those door tags that they stick to your door or window?  You know, the ones that never come off and leave you with a sticky mess to scrape off of the glass?  Well, in order to affix the tag, the driver needs to remove the paper backing from the adhesive portion.  Every fucking time the driver does this, they then throw the damn paper on the ground.  Can’t they take this thing back to the truck and throw it away?  WTF.

I just emailed FedEx Customer Service about it.  I’m not sure whether they’ll do anything, though.  If I catch that FedEx motherfucker doing it again, I’m going to lose my shit.

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JoseMonkey Hits a New Intellectual Low

In my short time as a father, one of the many roles I’ve assumed is that of the baby transporter.  I mostly move Baby V between the crib and Mrs. JoseMonkey (also known as “The Milk Truck”) in between feedings.  During the frequent baby hand-offs, I try to help my wife out by turning the baby to face the correct side, depending on which breast she intends to nurse from.  Seems easy enough, right?

Well, in my baby-addled brain, simple concepts like “left boob” and “right boob” are suddenly very confusing.  Especially at 4am.  The other night, I actually asked my wife not to say “left” or “right” and simply point at her boobs.  At the time, this seemed like an eminently reasonable way to introduce efficiency into this recurring task. 

In retrospect, I think I might be an idiot.

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Baby V Has Arrived

Our daughter, who will be henceforth referred to as “Baby V” on this blog, was born this morning around 1:15am this morning.  Mrs. JoseMonkey is doing well, recovering from her Olympic-level performance.  JoseMonkey himself is doing fairly well, if a bit tired.

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What’s this new face you’re making?

There might be some contractions happening.  Stay tuned.

UPDATE: It’s 5:50pm.  The contractions have been going on for over 12 hours now.  For most of the morning, they were rather mild, according to my wife.  They started getting a little worse around 3pm, so we went in to see our midwife to assess the progress, mostly just so we’d have some baseline to compare against later.  The status, by the numbers: 1 cm dilated, 95% effaced, and the baby is in descent station 0.  Translation, courtesy of the midwife: “Your cervix is very happy and your baby is in great position.”  Frankly, I’m glad the cervix is happy, but I can’t imagine what a cranky one would be doing at this point. 

Since the happy cervix has some dilating to do, and since she wasn’t in active labor just yet, they sent us home.

Mrs. JoseMonkey had some pretty significant contractions at around 5:15pm, giving me a preview of that helpless feeling I’ll get to experience through the duration of the “real” labor.  

I’m guessing this baby is coming out tonight or early tomorrow. 

I won’t be live blogging the labor itself, so you’ll have to wait to find out what happened. 

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It’s Offical, Kid: You’re Late

Well, July 4th came and went.  The baby must not have a calendar in there. 

Mrs. JoseMonkey has had some signs of progress, some of which might fall into the TMI category for most people.  There are certain things that are private after all; you know, the sort of thing that my wife shares only with me and her mom.  Well, and with the dozens of other women on her pregnancy message boards.

Stay tuned.  The baby has to come out sometime.

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