Archive for category Rants

A Continuing Theme RE: Hybrids

So, I’m not sure if anyone clicked through to read (re-read?) my old blogs about about hybrid FUD, but I actually did go back and read my old stuff today,  Back in 2006, I wrote:

In 2004, Robert Lutz, GM’s Vice Chairman of Product Development came out very strongly saying that building hybrids didn’t make economic sense.  But next year, they plan to introduce the Chevy Tahoe as a hybrid.  To be fair, Lutz was specifically saying that compact hybrid cars didn’t make sense, and that SUVs were a better option.  So, it’s not a complete contradiction.  However, he justified this statement by citing the price of gasoline – then $1.50/gal on the average – as the reason it didn’t make sense.  The current price is around $2.36/gal.  Considering that the national average was over $3.00 just a few short months ago and hasn’t been below $2.00 for over a year, I think it’s safe to say some new calculations are in order.  Especially if Dubya makes good on his thinly-veiled threats to invade Iran, a move than many economists believe would drive the price of oil to a staggering $100/barrel. 

Wow.  Yeah, so . . . back then, I talked about those “crazy” high gas prices of $3.00/gal.  I’d kill for that now.  Gas crossed the $4.00/gal point back in June of this year.  Furthermore, that “staggering” price of $100/barrel that I worried about is ancient history.  We haven’t been under $100/barrel for months and we peaked at over $140/barrel back in June.

Still think hybrid are just for tree-huggin liberals?

Did I mention: Gotcha bitch!

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Puh-leeze. More Hybrid FUD

I’ve previously mentioned (here) the ridiculous level of FUD out there related to hybrid cars.  In one of my previous posts, I pointed out the silly hand wringing related to the “dangerously silent” hybrids.  Well, it looks as if the California state legislature is set to outlaw the silence:

Electric and hybrid vehicles may be better for the environment, but the California Legislature says they’re bad for the blind.

It has passed a bill to ensure that the vehicles make enough noise to be heard by visually impaired people about to cross a street.

The measure would establish a committee to study the issue and recommend ways the vehicles could make more noise.

Are you effing kidding me? 

Great idea.  Here’s my new design for the Prius:

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I am a Well-Trained Monkey

When we first got our dogs, my wife had a neat idea.  She hung a small bell on the door that led to their yard.  She then taught our goofy dogs (who are deceptively smart) to ring the bell when they wanted to go outside.  They learned this rather quickly, and we were very proud of ourselves.  Of all the tricks we’ve taught them, this one seemed to impress people the most.  “So, you’re telling me that they ring the bell when they want go out?  All by themselves?”  Yes, we were quite proud of our stupid little beasts.

The Damn BellOver time, I’ve come to despise the sound of The Damn Bell™.  This is mainly because the dogs ring it non-effing-stop between the hours of 5pm and 10pm.  They usually wait until your ass hits the sofa. 


Then, shortly after you let them out, they want to come back in.  (The coming back in part involves barking; there’s no outside bell.  You’re welcome, neighborhood.)  This is usually around the time you’ve decided to sit down again. 

Here’s the worst part, though.  While we like to smugly pat ourselves on the back for training our dogs to do this, the sad truth is that Mrs. JoseMonkey and I are the ones who are trained. 

Ding!  Get up and let the dogs out. 


Ding!  Ding!  We’re very good at it. 

My Pavlovian instincts were never more apparent than this morning.  You see, The Bean discovered The Damn Bell™.

As she was cruising around in her walker, she found this wonderful item dangling from the door knob.  You can guess what happened next. 


Ding! Ding!

My training immediately kicked in and I started walking toward the door.  Realizing it was just The Bean, I laughed it off and went back to what I was doing.


I headed for the door again, totally on auto-pilot.  I am a well-trained monkey. 

Somewhere, a beagle is laughing. 

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Give Up Already!

The two competitors had been at it for a long time.  The guy I was backing was obviously going to win; he’d opened up a sizable lead early in the contest.  His opponent kept at it, though, even though any objective analysis clearly indicated that no recovery was possible.  There would be no comeback.  His lead was insurmountable.

The presumptive winner began to get frustrated, silently wishing that the other person would just bow out.  I couldn’t help but share his frustration.  “Oh, come on!  Give up already!”  I shouted at the television.  But the loser wasn’t listening.  Even though the result was obvious, this chump didn’t see the writing on the wall. 

What’s that you say?  Oh, you thought I was talking about the Democratic primary?  Well, actually, I’m talking about watching my brother-in-law Matt kick people’s asses at Guitar Hero last night.  They never seem to know when to just throw in the towel.  So he has to play all of “Through Fire and Flames” every single time, even after it’s clear to everyone that it’s a total effing beating.

Oh, and Hillary should quit already.

(Matt: Yes, you are Barack Obama in this analogy.  Your mom would be so proud!) 

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Coffee Conspiracy: Part Two

If you recall, a few weeks ago I got a little agitated at Green Mountain Coffee for some possible shenanigans related to my recurring Café Express order.  Well, at the time, I was sure to note down the date of my next shipment, to ensure that I could log in before it shipped.  I didn’t really need to change anything urgently; rather, I just wanted to assure myself that they weren’t messing with me and changing the dates.

Well, when I last checked, it said my order would ship on 12/20.  So, I marked it on my Google Calendar and set a reminder.  I received my reminder email today (12/17), so I went and logged in to Green Mountain’s site.

Guess what?

No, my order has not shipped.  However, it reported my current order status as follows:

Note: Your current shipment is being prepared for delivery as of 12/10/2007.

So, my order hasn’t been shipped yet, but it’s been “being prepared” since last Monday.  Here’s the kicker: there’s no way to alter an order that’s “being prepared.”  I can only edit my next order, which is set to ship on 1/10.

Still think I’m crazy?

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Coffee Conspiracy

I drink a lot of coffee.  (That’s the understatement of the year, btw.)  I used to be a big Dunkin’ Donuts fan, until I switched to Green Mountain recently.  Because I drink so much coffee, it made sense for me to join the Green Mountain Café Express program, which is just a fancy way of saying I have a standing order with them to send me my coffee every few weeks so I don’t go into withdrawal and start hurting motherfuckers.

So, here’s the weird thing and the reason I’m posting: every now and then, I need to make a quick adjustment to my order.  Sometimes I want them to send more coffee, sometimes less, etc.  The tricky part is trying to remember when the next scheduled shipment is, and then remembering to log in to their site to change the order before it goes out.

Ok, so what’s the weird part?  Well, the last two or three times I’ve logged in to try to change my order, the Green Mountain site has informed me that my Café Express order just shipped!  Witness today’s message:

Note: Your last Café EXPRESS order shipped 11/29/07.

Now, this is crazy.  First of all, 11/29 is today.  It’s like 7:15am.  I don’t believe they really shipped it yet.  Furthermore, what kind of cosmic coincidence is it that whenever I am about to change my order, it ships!

(Hold on while I put my tinfoil hat on . . . )

So, my theory is that Green Mountain is afraid I’m going to cancel my Café Express order, so they tell me the most recent order has already shipped as a way of ensuring they can charge me for at least one more order.

I know, it sounds wacky, but this is at least the third time this has happened.

(Hmm, this tinfoil hat is comfy. Maybe I’ll leave it on for a while and head over here.)

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Hey FedEx Driver, Knock it Off

FedEx is on my shit list.  Specifically, the driver that delivers packages to my home.  Every single time that the FedEx person delivers something to my house, they litter on my property. 

You know those door tags that they stick to your door or window?  You know, the ones that never come off and leave you with a sticky mess to scrape off of the glass?  Well, in order to affix the tag, the driver needs to remove the paper backing from the adhesive portion.  Every fucking time the driver does this, they then throw the damn paper on the ground.  Can’t they take this thing back to the truck and throw it away?  WTF.

I just emailed FedEx Customer Service about it.  I’m not sure whether they’ll do anything, though.  If I catch that FedEx motherfucker doing it again, I’m going to lose my shit.

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